The Bar Where I Meet Tinder Dates Goes Out of Business: A Shakespearean Tragedy

SCENE 1. A sports bar near Union Square in Manhattan. KERRY is sitting with MATT at an intimate table for two.

KERRY: O, Matt of Astoria,

How pleasant to meet you here,

At this bar, which I selected particularly for

Our special rendezvous.

Also it is where I meet all my Tinder dates

For the first time

Because I am comforted by routines.

Pray tell, hath ye siblings?

MATT: I do not know if you meant

To tell me that last thing about the bar but –

Indeed! I shall describe my older sister.

Enter BARTENDER.

BARTENDER: I hath seen this woman often

At our establishment but

Each time she doth converse with

A different brown-haired gentleman,

Perchance seeking love or

At least someone with whom to watch

Netflix’s GLOW.

She always orders Bell’s Two Hearted Ale

But, lo, I will pretend I do not know.

Exeunt KERRY, MATT, and BARTENDER.

– – –

SCENE 2. The same sports bar. KERRY is sitting with ANDREW at the same table for two.

KERRY: God speed, good Andrew of Bushwick!

Until our merry chat this eve,

I did not know so much about

Walking meditation, the keto diet,

And Karl Ove Knausgaard. Thank you

For your teachings!

ANDREW: O, it is my pleasure to explain

My hobbies! Shall we have a second round?

Enter BARTENDER.

BARTENDER: Though I expect anoth’r order of

Bells Two Hearted, I won’t say anything until

The lady states her drink order, for she and I have

A tacit understanding.

Flourish. Exeunt KERRY, ANDREW, and BARTENDER.

– – –

SCENE 3. The sidewalk before the bar. Enter KERRY.

KERRY: (aside) O, as I approach the bar,

I feel a pitter-pat in my heart,

For dating fills me with such dread,

But at least I can count on

The predictable setting of

This bar!

It hath proximity to many subway lines and

Ample seating. But where is the gentleman?

Would he ghost?

Enter BRIAN.

BRIAN: Hark, is it ye? O lady with

Whom I have texted?

You look somewhat like your

Profile picture.

KERRY: Indeed, it is I, of Tinder!

At last we meet in person. I’m wearing my

First-date outfit, which is a sparkle top and

Pants, but nay, I just remembered that I

Did not tweeze my brows. Ah well — shall we to the bar?

BRIAN: By mistake you may have said that part about your

Brows out loud? I will pretend I didn’t hear.

If only we could go inside. The lights are dark and it is empty.

Methinks it is shut down?

KERRY: Alack! Can it be so?

I will approach the door and try

To open it.

She cannot.

KERRY: But this place was

So full whenst I was here on another date

Last Tuesday! And many Tuesdays

Before that, for this is date 500. O, woe!

BRIAN: Again, did you mean to share with me

That info? I’ll set this red flag aside, for you and I like

The same band and hath exchanged lively cat GIFs.

Perhaps we can alight to another bar in the area?

KERRY: I am afeared it is not possible for

I must sit at my special table!

Thunder. KERRY collapses to the sidewalk. She shudders and foams at the mouth. BRIAN calls 911.

Enter EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS.

EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIANS:

Let us secure her

To a gurney

Away from this,

The date bar that closed

Without warning,

Before she was able

To meet a husband.

Whilst we are here,

Perhaps we also can

Take care of those brows.

BRIAN watches as KERRY is carted away. He flees. Enter GHOST.

GHOST: I am the ghost of this bar.

I was doing my nightly float

Whenst I o’erheard on the sidewalk a

Dating calamity! This woman hath put forth

A noble effort to meet each Tinder man

At this, a conveniently located sports bar.

But, in folly, she hath expected this place

To stay open until her nuptials. E’en if that

Would take decades. If only she had

Checked Yelp beforehand or

Tried to mix it up and meet dates

At different venues. And perhaps,

She could have been more flirty

At the grocery store.

 

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